Stay Close
“... to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?”
The water is too deep for you here. Stay close.
I’m floating in seas that terrify me, further and further away from the shore. Ancient swells meant for ships surround me. Depths glittered by sunlight. When I panic I drink salt, but when I float I’m helpless. I’m here because of faith and I’m ashamed to tell you how many times I wondered if I would be happier if I had stayed on shore.
You’re okay. Look at me.
I started this because where I was was no longer where I belonged. Growth paced outside my window and called me by name. Under candlelight I would add and subtract the likelihood of success or failure. I would sit out on the shore with my coffee and watch the sun rise over territory I began to claim as mine.
It’s one thing to dream of a different life, a bigger mountain to climb, but it’s another to step out and make your way to it. There’s a point of no return that you cross where all the lights of what was are turned off and all that brought you comfort before is covered by white sheets.
I’m in the middle of the sea trying to focus on the “arm of the Lord” when I know that sharks can see me. I’m trying not to move too much. I’m trying not to panic. I’m trying to smooth the catches from my breath so that my body will believe that I’m where I belong, because if my body gives off fear, I’m afraid I’ll be like a beacon to failure.
Do you trust me?
It’s not my breathing that saves me. Though it helps the experience. It’s not my strength against the sea. Just ask the grains of sand what magnificent mountain they were before they met the water. It’s not me or my power or my wit or my movement at all. And I think that’s what scares and frees me at the same time.
“Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God’s Message to you?”
This journey began with a moment between me and God. A moment where I believed that He loved me and wanted to do this for me. “I would get that for you.” I believed Him. I still believe Him.
The waves rise up. “What are you going to do about me?” The depths chill me from below. “How long does it take for a girl to drown?”
But I won’t listen. Today, I will remember that I’m the object of Love even if I’m swallowed whole tomorrow.
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”